The Power of Curiosity: How Understanding Creates Immense Change

One of the most profound sources of change I have witnessed in my work is something that seems so simple…

Curiosity.

It sounds almost too simple, right?

But seriously, I have seen curiosity completely change the way people relate to themselves, their relationships, their children, and the people they love. Because the second we become curious, everything shifts.

We stop assuming we already know the answer, we stop jumping straight to judgment, and we create space to understand.

And that space offers room for so much understanding and change.

Think about how differently we talk to ourselves when we approach ourselves with curiosity. Instead of questions like:

“Why am I like this?”

“What is wrong with me?”

“Why do I keep doing this?”

We start asking:

“Why does this feel so hard for me?”

“What is this reaction trying to tell me?”

“When did I learn to respond this way?”

There is such a profound difference between looking at ourselves as a problem to solve versus a person to understand. And so much of the time, when we slow down enough to get curious, we find that our behaviors actually make soooo much sense.

The things we criticize ourselves for developed for a very real and genuine reason.

Maybe the person who struggles to trust learned that relying on others was unsafe.

Maybe the person who overthinks every interaction learned that staying prepared helped them avoid disappointment.

Maybe the person who shuts down during conflict learned that silence felt safer than being vulnerable.

When we understand ourselves, we can finally start responding to ourselves with compassion instead of shame. And compassion is exactly the thing that creates room for change.

Curiosity Changes the Way We See Other People

Curiosity not only changes out relationship with ourselves, but with others, and it completely changes the way we see behavior. Instead of only looking at what someone is doing, we can become interested in what might be happening underneath. Because behavior rarely comes out of nowhere. There is always a reason a behavior makes sense for the person doing it, even if that behavior is causing harm or no longer serving them.

A child who is screaming, hitting, or melting down is communicating something, even if they do not have the words to explain it.

A teenager who is pulling away may not be trying to be difficult. They may be overwhelmed, protecting themselves, or trying to figure out how to navigate something they can’t name yet.

An adult who reacts strongly might not be trying to hurt someone. Instead, they might be responding from a place of fear, hurt, or an old wound that their body thinks is currently re-occurring.

Curiosity helps us remember that there is almost always more to the story than what we can immediately see. And when we see more of the story, we can respond differently.

To Be Super Clear: Curiosity Does Not Mean We Excuse Harmful Behavior

Boundaries please!!!!

Sometimes people hear words like “compassion” and “understanding” for unhealthy or big reactions and worry that it means allowing people to hurt us or accepting unhealthy behavior.

It does not.

You can understand someone’s experience, trauma, triggers, etc… and still have boundaries.

You can have compassion for someone’s pain and still say, “I understand why you feel this way. It also doesn’t make the way you treated me okay.”

You can recognize why someone responds the way they do and still hold them accountable for the impact they have on others.

A phrase I come back to often is:

Empathy for the trauma. Boundaries for the behavior.

They are equally important. Understanding the intent of a behavior to protect someone does not erase the impact it has on you or others.

Curiosity just helps us respond from a place of wisdom and potentially lead to further connection.

Curiosity Creates Connection

Think about how it feels when someone is genuinely curious about you. Not trying to fix you… not waiting for their turn to talk… not judging you. Just wanting to understand.

It is so deeply healing being met with that kind of attunement. This is why I could go on and on about how important curiosity in relationships. When we approach someone with curiosity, we are telling them, “I want to understand your experience.”

And feeling understood is one of the most human needs we have. Truly. On a biological and nervous system level, we are hard wired for connection. Our brains and bodies are constantly taking in information about whether we are safe, accepted, and connected.

This is true for our relationships with our children, our partners, our friends, and maybe most importantly, ourselves. Because so many of us have spent years trying to silence, change, or criticize parts of ourselves that were actually trying to protect us.

Curiosity gives those parts a chance to finally be heard.

The Practice of Curiosity: RAIN

Curiosity is something we can practice.

The next time you notice yourself having a big reaction, feeling stuck, or finding yourself judging yourself or someone else, try slowing down and getting curious before jumping straight into fixing, reacting, or criticizing.

A practice I love for this and share often with clients is called RAIN.

RAIN is a simple mindfulness tool that helps us meet difficult feelings with more compassion and curiosity.

R — Recognize

The first step is simply noticing what is happening.

“I’m feeling overwhelmed".”

“I’m feeling lonely.”

“What do my thoughts sound like right now?”

“What is happening in my body?”

A — Allow

The next step is allowing the experience to just be there.

I know this can be one of the hardest parts because so many of us have learned to immediately push away uncomfortable feelings.

We try to fix them.
We distract ourselves.
We judge ourselves for having them.

Allowing is simply saying yes to your experience: “Yes. This feeling/thought/body sensation can be here right now.”

………….

Eeeeekkkk I can already hear your discomfort with this through the screen!! Did your body just cringe? Did you get anxious just thinking about it? I know. It’s hard, because it’s foreign. But fortunately (and maybe kinda unfortunately)… it works. Ever heard someone say, “you have to feel it to heal it”? Yeah… it’s true. :/

I — Investigate

This is where curiosity really comes in.

Instead of asking, “Why am I like this?” we can start asking:

“What most wants attention right now?”

“What am I believing?”

“What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

“What might be underneath this reaction?”

“What does this part of me need most?”

This is where we slow down enough to move from our thoughts into our bodies. Because so often, our brain wants to immediately analyze, explain, or solve (hellooo anxiety!!). But sometimes the thing we need most isn’t another explanatio… it’s slowing down to notice what is actually happening inside of us.

N — Nurture

The final step is offering ourselves compassion.

Once we really understand what is happening inside of us, we can respond to ourselves with kindness instead of judgment. This can look like all sorts of different things. Saying to yourself like:

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m here with you.”

“What would I say to someone I love if they were feeling this way?”

“I love you, and I’m listening.”

“How can I support myself through this moment?”

Because no matter how hard you try, you are still human. You will struggle. You will react in ways you wish you didn’t. You will experience difficult emotions. Curiosity allows you to be someone who can meet those moments with understanding.

You might be surprised by what you find when you slow down enough to listen. Because curiosity opens doors that judgment keeps closed. And often, the biggest shifts in ourselves and in our relationships begin with the simple willingness to say:

“I wonder why.”